Blue Corn and Lavender

When you dress actors as 12' tall giraffes and 6-legged wildebeests, or build a farmhouse set, complete with a graveyard and crypts, as Ron and I have been doing this week, you would think a couple of home projects would seem less daunting. Not so.

"Night of the Living Dead" and "Lion King"-both major productions-have done nothing to prepare us for our Chestnut House chore this week-making a guest room for our very first overnight guest.

One of our dearest friends is visiting from Oklahoma, and will be staying with us later this month. I assumed, with her being a Lesbian, all we needed to prepare for her stay was to scatter Cedar chips on the floor, set up an exercise wheel, and line the corners with old newspaper. Maybe, to be hospitable, I would clean her water bottle a couple of times. Ron had to remind me that, no, females are indeed humans and demand a certain level of comfort. With that explained, our project began.

I am sure the room in question will be my favorite, I'm just not ready to embrace it. What started out as a 2nd floor kitchen will be magically transformed in to a plush guest suite.

We started by removing the appliances. After we had the refrigerator, stove, and dishwasher out, I tried to convince Ron to leave the vent-hood. Where else are you going to find a bedside lamp that also pulls greasy odors out of the room? He didn't embrace the aesthetic, so gone it went.

Ron started the demolition by grabbing his screw gun and trying to remove the overhead cabinets. After all of the moldings, all of the screws, all of the braces were removed, we realized the only thing attaching the 70's era wooden boxes to the wall behind them was the sticky residue of countless meals cooked but not cleaned up after. One solid pry with the crowbar, and the whole row slammed down in a heap in front of us.

"Leave it!" I squealed, "leave it!!! It's the perfect example of Late Period Post-Deconstructionist Sarajevo Chic!"

Ron didn't embrace that aesthetic, either.

As I am writing, we're still in the middle of the project. The only part of the floor strong enough to support the bed backs up to a 2' by 2' hole in the wall that looks into the toilet on the other side. (I wrote that last sentence as a reminder to myself, in case I need to go in the middle of the night while she's here.)

If we don't finish in time, all's well. Ron says if we set out a bowl of blue corn tortilla chips and a bar of lavender soap, she won't even notice she's staying in a room, on the comfort scale, one step under a homeless shelter.

Keeping you informed-

Jon (and Ron and Atticus)